On my Knees

I have moved my blog!!  I am now at:  thekittenpup.wordpress.com

if you have a link please change it

So…Master likes gags.  So i got this one :)  He also likes that it makes me drool… a lot

Is it not incredible how just one or two instances can impact a person’s life for so very long?  i’ve had instances, both recently and in the past, where something has affected me deeply and once i’ve calmed down and been able to think through what happened i’ve realized that whatever happened made me feel that way because such-and-such happened with so-and-so… it’s rather annoying. 

Over the past couple years as i’ve gone through this process of self-discovery i’ve become incredibly self-aware.  As such, i have this…habit/ability/whatever of being able to see myself…”from the outside.”  So if i’m all worked up over something, while i’m feeling those things and trying to work through them, i’m also analyzing what i’m feeling and why.  So…say something someone says causes an emotional reaction.  i am feeling that emotional reaction and all the who’s, what’s and why’s of them saying it to me.  But i’m also remembering and thus feeling the original … incident that “gave” me this particular reaction to whatever happened. 

As an example…when i was with the guy that i suppose could be called my “first true love” he called me selfish.  Told me i only thought of myself.  Now, this was in a relationship where i gave him money, paid his speeding tickets, let him use my car, i fed him, bought him clothes and other things.  So…one would think that finally getting fed up and wanting something for myself would be natural…well i’m all paranoid now to ask for something for myself.  Here’s another example…with a previous Dom i was saying how i prefer my men to be shaven.  i can’t stand pubic hair.  Well, when i said that shaved men was my preference i was told i was being demanding…i was only stating my opinion.  So…i can barely ask Master for a picture of Him now.  i feel like i’m being selfish and demanding..when intellectually i know i’m not.  So, all these various things go through my mind.  It’s fricken’ confusing! LOL

When He hypnotizes me and gives me like…conditioning for something…say a reaction to a specific word…when that reaction happens…it’s like i know that it happens because He hypnotized me to do that…but i don’t remember the actual hypnosis.  So i kind of like that.  i like the…control it shows He has over me.  It feels awesome!

Some Want To Think Hope Is Lost See Me Stand Alone
I Can’t Do What Others May Want Then I’ll Have No Home
So For Now Wave Good-bye And Leave Your Hands Held High
Hear This Song Of Courage Long Into The Night
So For Now Wave Good-bye Leave Your Hands Held High
Hear This Song Of Courage Long Into The Night
And The Wind Will Bear My Cry To All Who Hope To Fly
Hear This Song Of Courage Ride Into The Night
Battles Are Fought By Those With The Courage To Believe
They Are Won By Those Who Find The Heart
Find A Heart To Share
This Heart That Fills The Soul Will Point The Way To Victory
If There’s A Fight Then I’ll Be There I’ll Be There
So For Now Wave Good-bye, Leave Your Hands Held High
Hear This Song Of Courage Long Into The Night
And The Wind Will Bear My Cry To All Who Hope To Fly
Lift Your Wings Up High My Friend Fearless To The End
So For Now Wave Good-bye, Leave Your Hands Held High
Hear This Song Of Courage Long Into The Night

1. Marriage and children aside, what has been your greatest accomplishment in life? ~~~ accepting that i am a submissive…that i yearn to be a full time, consensual slave with an Owner….
2. Aside from healthy and happy children, what is your greatest ambition for the future? ~~~ to be the full-time slave of Sir…
3. If we were to enter your real name in a search engine, what would we find? ~~~ a bunch of incorrectly spelled myspace and facebook links
4. Who is the most famous person you ever met (not just in the same room as, but actually spoke with)? ~~~the lead singer of Alabama
5. Parents aside, who is your biggest hero? ~~~ my sister The Wolf
6. Someone once worked out the sexual version of Six Degrees of Separation - Celebrity A slept with B, who slept with C, who slept with D, making as sort of connection between A and D. Are you connected to anyone famous through six or fewer bonks? ~~~ not that i’m aware of LOL

***WARNING: this is quite a long post***

So i’m going to be writing this throughout my day at work.  i am going off my anti-depressants and i can tell this is going to be a difficult day.  Yesterday rocked, as i know Sir included something in our hypnosis session about that.  i really want to send Sir a gift.  W/we are not together right now so i’d have to mail it, which is fine with me, except i need to get His address…and that is just..touchey.  i don’t want to like..come on too strong..ya know?  i think mostly i really want to send Him something because… well, if W/we were physically together the stuff i am sending is stuff i’d give to Him just randomly, and so … i just want to … i’m not sure.  Make what W/we have as “real” as i can…kind of…i dunno..give Him a taste of what i’m like in real time.. i’m not sure how to explain it…

So.. i can tell that the prozac is starting to wean itself out of my system.  It’s been about a week now since i stopped taking them, and yes.  i did go “cold turkey” because the dose i was on was so small.  i don’t like the idea of being dependent upon pills to function in my daily life.  i see no reason why i cannot manage my own emotions, especially when i’m exercising, and eating healthy and getting 6-8 hours of sleep a night.  And especially with the hypnosis Sir is helping me so much to sleep better.  And perhaps that’s another reason why i want to send Him something…i feel like He does so much for me.  i want to do something back, and i do this sort of thing well.  So anyway so far today my emotions are all over the place.  i’m not depressed or anxious or anything as a general rule, but i do have SADD.  Seasonal Affect Depression Disorder.  So with the winters we have up here sometimes it’s difficult for me, emotionally. 

i actually love winter, it’s beautiful and i don’t mind the snow and ice and all.  i know how to live in it, so *shrugs* it works for me.  This last winter was just difficult for me as i was making so many changes in my life and realizing a lot of things.  Also i came to the conclusion that vanilla relationships are not for me and so that was… while not bad or anything like that, a lot of self realizations at once can be hard, and the last 2 years have been all about self realizations for me. 

i am quite glad i had the pills to help me through it though.  Over the last 6 -8 months i’ve really been getting myself back under control, and making positive decisions for my life that have, in the end, resulted in me being a lot more comfortable with myself.  i’ve started eating a lot healthier, and i’ve started working out. i’ve also gotten my apartment under control and cleaned.  A lot.  Clutter, like stuff piled up everywhere and laying around makes me depressed.  As does things that are very dirty.  Having realized this helps a lot too.  It’s sort of the never ending circle… well, in my life i have 3 of those… i eat bad ‘cuz i am unhappy with myself and i am unhappy with myself because i eat bad…i am sedentary because i eat bad because i’m unhappy with myself and i’m unhappy with myself and eat bad because i am sedentary… i don’t take care of myself because i’m sedentary and eating bad and unhappy with myself and i’m unhappy with myself and eating bad and sedentary because i’m not taking care of myself.  It’s a vicious circle.

So one night last year my last vanilla relationship ended and i didn’t take it well.  Well, the next morning i felt the true force of what depression is/can be, and that day i said “NO!  i am not letting this happen to me.”  i ended up chilling with my ex husband eating yummy junk food and watching movies.  And thus started my journey of self improvement. 

i can be very insecure at times.  *laughs* It’s incredibly annoying, ‘cuz it seems i’m always insecure when things are fine, and perfectly content when things aren’t fine.  Then again, that’s how it was in my marriage and well…look how that ended *snort*

So last night Sir and i were discussing religion and W/we end up talking about locations in the u.s. Well, Sir mentioned the “bible belt” and i said i shuddered at that.  He said that that may be a ridge between U/us because He misses being there.  Well, that’s my own fault because i didn’t explain that it’s not the bible belt itself but the stories i’ve heard.  i’ve never been there, thus how could i possibly form an opinion.  i explained myself and He understood what i meant by it and things between U/us seem perfectly fine and normal.  Nothing different from how W/we interacted prior to that discussion.  Nevertheless… my insecurities are popping up in the back of my mind going “you ruined it dummy!  What did you do that for??? Now it’s all ruined!”  Which is absolutely ridiculous…

So for the whole rest of O/our conversation last night i was over analyzing and reading into everything.  i suppose a good portion of me was smacking me on the back of the head. i am really anal about ensuring i’m being clear with communication.  Especially when you’re typing it’s hard to get the exact meaning of what you’re talking about across so i suppose after i realized i had not been clear enough i totally went off with analogies! LOL  i guess part of it is that Sir… Sir is awesome.  i don’t want to loose Him.  And so when the fact that O/our relationship is hardly set in stone is like… that much “in my face” so-to-speak, i get nervous LOL  i don’t know, it’s hard to explain…

It’s been a rough past few days emotionally.  With not taking my pills anymore and i’ve had some pretty extreme highs and lows so i’m a bit emotionally tired right now so it’s hard for me to keep up my… i dunno.  My self-awareness i suppose. 

Well it’s a while later and after venting for almost 2 pages on the word processor i’ve evened out emotionally lol  You know…i love Sir’s voice… i love listening to Him talk, hearing the passion He has for His ideas.  i love the way He says His words.  He has a very very slight southern accent and it’s just perfect….

i have such an incredible need to serve Him… to do things for Him and ensure everything is to His liking and standards. 

you know, i think one of the biggest reasons i feel this..incredible need to send Sir something is that …well, first what i’d send him, would be stuff i’ve made.  Food items i can make and preserve them.  Knowing that Sir really can’t cook well, and that if W/we were “together” that would be one of my jobs… i feel … insufficient … no…not good enough maybe…i feel like i’m not doing my job… like..i suppose in a way like i’m letting Him down because i can’t do something that i know both of U/us would enjoy.   

i guess part of it is that i do have a decent romantic side to me, and if i have feelings for someone i enjoy “showing” that.  i do have feelings for Sir and they are getting stronger, so especially since i can’t be there to do the small things, i like to do what i can. 

And it’s like…with the hypnosis… the first things He mentioned using it for was helping me with sleeping and with my pain… only after W/we talked about that did He mention doing some things with it that would be for Him… that’s so special…i don’t want to loose that…i suppose more specifically it would be that He is so very special and i don’t want to loose Him…

MY SIR DESERVES TO HAVE HIS NEEDS AND WANTS FULFILLED AND I WANT TO BE THE ONE DOING IT DAMMIT!!

Well, i’ve had quite a bit of success while cleaning this weekend.  Got lots of stuff don, including making my subbie space, cleaning my living room and kitchen, got caught up on dishes, washed the windows, and i cleaned the leaves and shit off my patio.  Also got my apartment garden started!  YAY! i also got my ex’s huge wave-master heavy bag out of my living room.  The top like..unscrews, but the bottom is full of sand.  i totally re-fucked up my back moving that damned thing.

This is that damned thing.  Imagine that full of sand.  i figured i could just put it on its side and roll it….but it acted as if parts of it were flat.  i had ot use my whole body weight just to moved it 1 foot.  argh…

This is the space it cleared up.  Ther it is on its side…*growls at it*

Moving that big thing out of there allowed me to put my chair in that corner, move my desk over and make this space.  This is my “subbie space.”  i put some gym mats down and a couple comforters.  i also made a couple new pillows.  Sir likes me to be on the floor, so i spend a lot of time there.  i am going to be looking for some of those egg carton type pad thingies to put there too so it’s softer.

So today i started my apartment garden!  YAY!  i planted some yellow onions (i hate onions but the yellow ones are good for cooking and are easy to preserve) i planted them in left over milk containers and a 2 litre.  So i am recycling the tops and will recycle the bottoms come harvest time. *giggles* You can see the big wave master bottom there.  It’s staying there until he decides to come move it. >.< i’m excited to start gardening.  It will save a lot of money, and will also help me to eat healthier.  i use organic soil too

Well that’s about it for now.  i’m babysitting so gotta stay at least a little alert… LOL

So… Sir hypnotized me last night.  It was so cool!  He wanted to do it as an experiment, just to see if it would work.  Since W/we are not physically together right now it well and truly was an experiment.  He started off with an email, and not telling me what was going on, other than an idea and experiment.  Now W/we had talked prior about hypnotism and especially since He had wanted to make sure i had sound on and my webcam on i knew what He wanted to do.

And well, it worked!  i’ve had a lot of time to think about it since then….and it was incredible! The way i describe it is that i went 75% under.  50% was my body being fully under.  The other 25% was my mind.  i couldn’t/didn’t go fully under with my mind because i was home alone.  With that comes responsibility and i couldn’t let myself like… “go” and not be aware of what was going on.

So when i go under, i’m still aware of what’s going on, but i can’t do anything about it. Sir really enjoyed the part where he was testing me and had me go under and then raise my arm straight up in the air. When he brought me out my arm was stuck up in the air like a string is holding it from the ceiling.  So i’m sitting there with my arm up in the air and my other hand is holding the phone and i say “my knee itches and i can’t scratch it.” He loved me saying that! LOL Needless to say he put me back under to release it and told me to scratch my knee when i came back out.

He tried it again tonight with the trigger word and it worked.  So that’s awesome.  my mind is going more blank now.  Like.. i’m still “aware” but it’s more and more difficult to  form actual thoughts.

i love doing this.  i love the way it makes me feel.  i love how it..it makes me feel that much more under His control.   i love being under His control, i love having the experience of His control.  Feeling and experiencing the trust W/we have.

It’s also exciting thinking of what W/we can do with itk, or rather what He can do with me once W/we are together.  i’m really excited about that…and dammit..it’s gonna happen come hell and/or high water!!!

The most… well for me the most “holy shit” part of it is that while i am under, i feel no physical pain.  i pretty much am in  some sort of physical pain every waking moment. Except when i’m under….

Bleh…. sorry i didn’t post last night.  Sir and i (i have since been told i can no longer call Him T.  In His own words His name according to me, for all intents and purposes is Sir… *sighs happily*) were talking ’till past midnight last night.  He experimented with hypnotizing me, which considering W/we were talking online was pretty damn cool.  and the best part?  It worked!! i’m going to post about it later toonight.  Today?  Spring cleaning!!  And i’m going to make my little sub-space.  *giggle*  Y/you’ll see….